Maybe straight men who have sex with gay or bi men should question their motivation, whether their rejection of labels reinforces the idea homosexuality or bisexuality could damage your reputation, or are a “lifestyle choice”. Perhaps, then, it’s not the label that’s important, but the openness and the willingness to commit to a relationship, whatever your sexuality. When someone’s that relaxed, and unguarded, it kind of rubs off on you.”
“He’s now dating a girl, but because he was so honest and caring and genuine, with never a hint of torment about his sexuality, I took it in my stride. And, coincidentally, Robin again found himself entangled with one. Bisexuality is historically as adventurous as many people’s imaginations would allow, and even then it’s either dismissed as “greed”, totally erased as a phase en route to a more established label – “fully gay” or “totally straight” usually the end result – or seen as a fetish, especially when it's straight guys gazing upon gay or bi women.īut straight men with sleeping with other men isn’t just a horny trope or a filthy secret – men willing to be open about their sexuality and commitment to identifying as straight do exist. Gay men aren't toys to be practised on.”įluidity of any kind has been a difficult concept for the mainstream to get its head round – we really do love to pigeonhole – and it’s had a bad rap from people who don’t understand it. The idea my future was irrelevant and that in some way admitting he was with me would ruin his, made me feel worthless. He would always tell me he wasn't like me, and couldn't be, because he 'had his whole future ahead of him'. "It was purely sexual for him, mainly receiving oral, but because he was the first person who'd ever shown an interest in me, I fell in love,” says Simon, now in his late 20s. Simon was 17 when his hitherto straight best friend made a move on him. "He always said he wasn’t gay, but he didn’t believe in bisexuality, either, and he said it so many times over the years."įluidity of any kind has been a difficult concept for the mainstream to get its head roundĪlthough gay pornography sells the idea that fun with your “straight mate” is the ultimate fantasy, the reality can be very different.
He absolutely had 100% control over things the code of conduct imposed on us was coming from him, not me.” Robin admits that while Dom’s behaviour made him feel lousy he still felt a responsibility to him.
Says Robin: “I thought he was going to have a heart attack. “Friends said they saw the way he was with me, and started assuming he was gay so adjusted their behaviour accordingly.” When Dom found out, things regressed further. “The whole time he wasn’t comfortable holding hands or kissing outside.” Even though PDAs were kept to a minimum, it didn’t take long for word to get out.
“The first year was strictly a bedroom thing,” he tells me.
Out guys are likely to feel sympathy for the straight guy in these situations – they’ve been there – and it’s common for gay or bi men to believe those who don’t come out are not living a full life, even if the straight guy feels that’s not the case.Īs a fresher at university, Robin, then 18, fell into a relationship with Dom, 24. It also depends why the guy doesn’t want to label himself – there’s a big difference between eschewing norms as a form of self-expression and hiding who you are to manipulate the advantages available to you as a straight person. The straight guy is worried his “secret” will be uncovered while the gay or bi guy fears he’s being used or unworthy of a relationship in public view. Clandestine relationships or regular hookups with one straight and one gay/bi guy sometimes exist in a mutual state of insecurity and fear. It depends how things play out, whether it’s out in the open or “our little secret”. But what does it mean for those guys who do embrace their label but have sex with guys who don’t? Does it mean their lovers are any less available to them because they won’t pick a side? Of course, nobody needs a label, but for gay and bi guys who worked hard to establish their identity, how does it feel when the man they’re sleeping with won’t do the same? If you’re a man who has sex with men on occasion, but identify as straight, who’s to stop you? You are who you are.